So You Want To Be A Rabblerouser

Charles Lafontaine
7 min readSep 1, 2023

Trudging through the dog days of our post truth and reason summer has seen a new industry emerge. Namely, that of the Professional Rabblerouser. The people who exploit our differing perspectives and cater to fringe groups in an attempt to enrich themselves while simultaneously making things just a little bit worse day by day.

For the low entry fee of nothing (neither education nor experience required), you too can enter the fast paced and lucrative world of whipping up mobs into a frothing frenzy. Some travel may be required.

PR’s vary in their fields of expertise but the lion’s share work in the political arena. This is where they can make use of half truths, hearsay, rumor, and the power of the human imagination to electrify a base, transforming them from a group of voters to a group of rioters and Patreon supporters. PR’s are the wordsmiths that can defend the leader of a movement devoted to empowerment and equity after they grabbed as much donor cash as possible and purchased several luxury homes. It’s justified somehow, both financially and ideologically, for an advocate for the downtrodden to pick and choose between mansions and any disagreement is an example of oppression. (She has her own vague sources of income, you see, which absolutely pay enough to buy multiple homes in prime areas while simultaneously being a full time activist. She has also never seen the need to prove said income, opting to merely disappear from public life in what one can reasonably assume is very comfortable accommodations.) These are the new age bards who can sing us a tale of the simplicity of eradicating poverty: an education that is for all intents and purposes on par with those found in the third world, keeping it in your pants until an arbitrary date, and minimum wage.

(Don’t accuse me of selecting a truncated or edited clip in order to disparage the man’s message. That’s his post on his channel that he thought summarized his solution well.)

The amount of damage done by a few people working growing groups of the disenfranchised is immense. Note that the seemingly disenfranchised, the disenfranchised, or just those who consider themselves disenfranchised need not be distinguished. Each are sufficiently capable of operating a baseball bat and credit card. The PR’s of the world know which buttons to press and how to slant a story just enough to make the ridiculous seem plausible to even a few percentage points of society.

Realistically, that’s all one requires. A small group can be highly influential, especially when the ends, they are told, justify the means. So the expectations on the PR’s are relatively lax. Aside from the entry level being a phone and a nearby Starbucks from which to post (they can’t tell you to leave anymore, even if your only business there is to make liberal use of the private bathroom to inject intravenous drugs), we can add the need to only resonate with a few people at a time. One does not have to become the Stephen King of Nonsense in order to earn a decent living. One simply needs to scrape off a few hangers on from the fringes of the political spectrum and convince them that utter insanity is the future of political activism. With it rapidly becoming the current, the prospect is not so daunting.

As a Professional Rabblerouser, you represent some of the worst that society has to offer. You play upon divisions between people and wedge them further apart, burrowing at the faultline like some kind of ideological tick. Except the ideology is money or, occasionally, a genuine belief in the far flung lunacy you are doling out. Your mileage may vary but the outcome is the same. You are profiting from our misery. So in your newfound position as a leech, don’t be afraid to wallow in the same filth as your namesake. You are free to associate yourself with anyone who spreads the very same stench that you are hoping to accentuate.

This farce is sustained by PR’s working together to share followers and open one another to different audiences. It may require some startup capital so that leaves this part optional, but it’s an excellent way to turbocharge your early days. A few bucks slipped to an already well known rabblerouser for a shoutout can help skip the initial work needed to post yourself in every known corner of the internet. And where’s the harm? Buying your way in is no different than working to achieve a goal or diligently honing your craft until you earn the respect of your peers. You won’t always be using money as that clashes with our goal of miserly hoarding but you can peddle influence. Contrary to the cries of every graphic designer on the web, you can actually use exposure as a currency. You go on their podcast, they come on yours. You write an article decrying the vicious shaming your contemporary has received for their illegal-but-not-in-the-country-it-took-place sexual predilections and they do the same the next time you are exposed for the wretch that you are.

None of us can defecate on the whole of society at once. We’re going to need to work together to spread it around. The key is to sow anger and discord.

Always fire the first shot and put your opponents on the back foot. It’s not your responsibility to prove anything and past examples of wrongdoings by others who look like or hold the position of the person you are accusing proves future outcomes as a matter of course. It’s up to them to prove that they aren’t what you are claiming them to be. Objectivity and the burden of proof are hallmarks of a bygone age and you are by no means constrained by these antiquated notions. You need to constantly be on offense. Since you’ve neither the will nor the ability to actually defend your positions, you never need to work on fleshing out an idea or making sure it stands to scrutiny. Ensure you spit the most venomous, vile accusations of racism, sexism, homophobia, and bigotry to any and all dissenters, especially those questioning your nonexistent reasoning or — perish the thought — motives.

Establish your credibility by calling out the obvious. When a faceless bigot called foreigners a bunch of animals on Twitter, you “held him to account” which makes you both an authority and activist. You can always point to the plentiful examples of bare naked hatred or corruption and join the chorus of people chanting “bad! bad!” You are now on the side of the angels and no matter what programme of self serving, urine soaked trash you dump on our collective lawn, you can always claim that you’re just speaking truth to power once again.

If you’ve been skimming instead of reading carefully then you’re already on the right track. So here’s the short version: Never offer a way forward or a suggestion to better those around you unless it is as violent and as unnecessarily chaotic as possible. This is called keeping yourself employed.

Sooner or later, you’ll encounter the big guns. The people who basically invented this grift. The most mainstream PR’s who appear on all those late night comedy news shows that have somehow become the main source of news for millions of people today. You’ll have to pay homage as this brotherhood of the pyramid demands, but we all work for someone and the don gets his cut lest you find yourself sleeping with the fishes. So if you do manage to climb the rungs, having collected a rabid litter of PR’s serving at your feet in the process, you will soon find yourself among the cream of the crop. This is where you too can “earn” a luxury home of your own.

Some are ministers and former presidential candidates who have been stoking racial tensions and inventing stories about their relationships with dead heroes for their personal benefit since the 1960’s. Some spent decades polluting our airwaves while hooked on opioids and explaining how drug addicts should all be locked up. Others rant about divine spaceships and the importance of being an anti-termite while cashing obscenely large cheques. It doesn’t really matter who your benefactor is or just how insane their rhetoric can be. One word from a top tier Professional Rabblerouser can make or break this thing you’ve generously called a career.

So get out there and start barking incessantly. Write about how rioters are actually just expressing their self worth while they liberate the nearest jewelry or high end department store of its wares. Make that video about the onset of the planned demographic shift that will see you and all you hold dear reduced to ash. Start a podcast that details exactly how you can justify the destruction of private property because the jury got it wrong in your opinion. The more ridiculous your claim, the better it is for your purposes. Just ensure that you always keep a straight face when defending the indefensible in the most condescending way possible.

And never forget, you don’t need proof if you have passion.

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Charles Lafontaine

Philosophy, politics, social commentary. Life of the party.