New writers will FAIL without these FIVE secrets
- Write things only when you know they’re good
You can’t actually be a good writer without writing. But how can you be a good writer if all you write is hot garbage? Exactly. You can’t. So don’t even put your fingers to the keys unless you know what’s coming out the other end is a masterpiece that will win you fame and fortune. Anything else is guaranteed to humiliate you in front of your peers and ensure that you’ll never be taken seriously as a writer or a human being.
2. Spend most of your time reading articles about writing
This goes back to the last point. If what you write sucks then when people read it they will know that it sucks. So only writing good means knowing how to write good without writing bad first. That means you need to consume every possible list based article about what it takes to be a writer by writers who only write articles about writing. Focus on the ones capitalizing attention-grabbing words that elicit an emotional response in an incredibly effective psychological maneuver designed to make you click on it lest you miss out on something vital. It’s all about volume. They might all say the same variation of “write every day” and “never give up” but the next one you click, that’ll have a tidbit of advice that you never considered. Remember, the ultimate secret to success that doesn’t involve hard work and dedication is buried in the next list.
3. Spend the rest of your time drinking
Hemingway, Bukowski, all those Russian guys who killed themselves. The greats drank because they were forever wrestling with their inner demons. The words would pour out in ceaseless tides and when the pen wasn’t enough the only way to control them was with the bottle. You’re brooding and deep too. Got a lot of thoughts about life and the world and meaning of it all? Well, a plumber plumbs and a cobbler cobs and a writer is a tortured soul that drinks.
4. Tell people about the writing that you are going to do soon
Everyone needs a support structure. Whether you’re planning on thinking about starting that first chapter or explaining to your parents that you identify as a fox. No man is an island, as they say. So be sure to tell your friends about your upcoming work. That magnum opus is only as good as those who are sitting around waiting for it on bated breath. But don’t just tell them that it will be done “soon.” No, you need to whet their appetite. So give em a little something now and then to keep them interested. Tell them about your general idea for a story. About a woman and her search for truth or the outlaw cop who lives on the edge. Let them know that something is going to happen to one or more of the characters in the book. But be vague. It’s probably better if even you don’t know what’ll happen next. Again, if it’s bad then you’ll never have exposed yourself to the possibility that someone somewhere may not have enjoyed it. You won’t have to deal with the emotional pain that comes with disagreement over your talent.
5. Preach!
Listen, you’re a writer and I’m a writer and most of the people reading this are writers. We know the craft. The magic. Not everyone understands immortality through the written word the way we do. So tell them. Never, ever stop reminding the people around you about the fact that you write and therefore are a writer. That the writer bores unapologetically to the heart of the issues, cracking through the crust of our superstitions and egos to reach the gooey, creamy center of truth. Bring up famous writers at every given opportunity so people know who to put you in league with. Friends, family, random passersby can all benefit from knowing that, while you may work in a Starbucks and have been for eleven years, your real passion is writing and that’s a divine work. Finally, be sure to always give tips on writing and doubly so when people aren’t asking for them. Because you’re in the know. Friend’s writing a term paper? Give him a painful lecture on style. Doesn’t matter if you have it or not. And dad’s letter to the gas company needs your input. What’s important is that you’re out there reminding people that you write and that it’s impressive that you write.
6. Snark
When all else fails, being a sarcastic dick is a surefire way to draw views and clicks. Pick a politician that at least half of people dislike and the other half are crazy for. Then hit em where it hurts. Oh, you really thought that was a good idea? You must be uneducated. Because only a special kind of dullard would support that. (Make sure you use words most people rarely see but can still understand through context. Italicize words in a way that you know will make people want to hit you in the face. Add edgy titles like “Biden Caught Lyin’ Again” or “Something something, Deal With It”) If you want to be sneaky you can pull a fast one and write about how bad the other side is. Double your potential audience while showing people that you really are above the petty crowd and nabbing some sweet centrist holier-than-thou points along the way. You don’t get into petty tribalism. You’re a writer who sees the truth. More money for the one who chooses a side and creates their own cult but more snob points for the latter. So pick whichever you value most.
As a last resort you can still make a half decent living explaining how bad Trump was, the effects of his government’s policies (call it “blowback” or “aftershock”), and starting every piece with “As a [insert race/ethnicity/skin colour/religion here]…”
