Is There Anything More Depressing Than LinkedIn?
I can’t be the only one that’s tired of LinkedIn. It’s a cesspit of people all clamouring for attention in the worst way possible. Nothing new internet-wise but it has an unlife of its own. Sure, people posting pictures of planking on Instagram or eating cinnamon on FaceBook (have I dated myself yet?) for likes is cringeworthy but there’s something special about LinkedIn.
They’re not on the platform to catch a trend or to do something stupid for their friends to have a passing laugh. There’s a merciful impermanence to TikTok and it’s trends. No, LinkedIn is all business. The heartbreaking tales of perseverance. The supposedly inspirational stories. The shameless flexes disguised as motivation, getting on the grind, and hustle culturing it into the grave. The goddamned stories written without provocation or threat of payment about how the multinational corporation that pays them a pittance is a real place for change and growth driving the world forward. This is for real. This is who (I am desperately attempting to convince you, prospective employer) I am. No longer am I the kid that ate boogers you once knew in elementary school. The days of drinking myself to the point where my bladder makes its own decisions are over. I have transcended that. I am a businessman, an entrepreneur! I am a trailblazer lighting the path for all to follow in my wake.
And please, oh pretty please, will someone hire me? I have student loans and my cupcake side hustle isn’t working out. (Turns out no one wants to buy your cupcakes when they’re busy trying to sell you cupcakes. Who in the fuck was ever eating all of these cupcakes?)
There’s nothing wrong with looking for work and trying to better yourself. People should be commended for getting out there and making an effort to improve their lives. I’m just saying, can’t we do it without the motivational speeches from people you know for certain couldn’t be trusted with the care of a small rodent? Do we really need to know about how you overcame your fear of heights and how I totally can too with the power of positive thinking and a bungee jumping trip to New Zealand? Come on man, you got high and decided this was a good idea. I’m glad you survived but not everything needs to transform into a sermon of empowerment.
At some point we all decided that the bullshit is good and that you need your own brand with its own particular whiff to match. Otherwise you won’t stand out among your fragrant contemporaries. You need an online presence to go with your education and experience. You don’t post regularly on the internet for likes and claps and other forms of digital validation? Do you have something to hide? You can’t just be a veteran in your field because we here at Harrumph Harrumph Inc. need a real go-getter. A rock star. The kind of person that posts inane drivel on their LinkedIn that should be reserved for their meandering blog or online publishing platform page that lies somewhere in the middle.
I don’t need to know about the following: your dead grandparent that taught you the value of hard work between swigs, the teenage laziness you pass off as a learning disability that you, in your early 30’s, just conquered, your thoughts on general suffering in the world, your sick grandparent, your plans to end general suffering in the world, the journey of self-discovery that brought you to this point in your life as a short order cook/soon to be billionaire, your political views that boil down to “can we all just get along?” or anything else that usually requires a soapbox to announce.
Please everyone, we know based on your social media that you’ve got it all figured out and you’re really just here to share your light with the world. Can you just share it with your unfortunate significant other instead?
On an unrelated note, with the demise of my side hustle I am now offering my writing services for high school essays, menus, and gentle erotic fiction.*
(*None of this is actually happening, Ed.)
