I Wish I Was Completely Insane

The internet has opened our eyes not only to our insatiable hunger for new and interesting forms of pornography but to all the little corners of the globe and their idiosyncrasies. Whereas I was once relegated to only seeing strange people on the evening news (I am old enough to remember the Before Times, when the internet was not) and the occasional phone booth flyer explaining the truth behind chemtrails, I can now bask in the neverending energy of the loons. They’re all at my fingertips. Manifesto after manifesto with rambling videos to match, every Tom, Dick, and Whacky is now on full display. You can even support some on Patreon where, for five dollars a month, you can get exclusive behind the scenes info and live Q&A’s with candidates for institutionalization.

The crazies that you heard about or just imagined not only exist but do their best to spread their message to the world. They pull back the curtain and show you that, yes, they have been successfully keeping the mind control devices at bay and here’s how you can too. Also, not only is the planet flat but some will actually accept funding to build a goddamned rocket so they can fly into the fucking stratosphere and prove their hypothesis.

I want this. I want to be completely insane.

Nothing seems quite so liberating as complete and utter detachment from reality. To be unencumbered by reason or facts and to frolic in the fields of possibility seems to me the ultimate freedom. Not only can you handwave away anything that proves beyond all doubt your assertions incorrect, but you can do so with the full knowledge that this evidence was concocted by a shadowy council hellbent on hiding the truth. Each devastating blow to the framework of your reality turned swiftly into a new pillar of strength.

There’s nothing that’s off limits today. Nothing too far fetched, absurd, or ridiculous. All the world’s a stage and everyone gets their audience. So you can add a lack of solitude to the ever growing list of positives that go along with the loss of metaphysical consideration. A cursory glance at the state of this planet begs the question: what are you really missing out on?

Consider every time in your life that you have been troubled by the fear of failure or ostracization. Every time you have experienced anxiety over the future. Every time you have been confronted with irrefutable proof that your long held notions about reality were categorically wrong. Now recognize that the lunatic has none of these issues.

Cognitive dissonance? Gone. Doubt? Unheard of. Fear of social isolation or judgment? Erased.

Sanity seems like a small price to pay in exchange for complete confidence in your worldview. How many millions of people pay untold sums every year to chemically distance themselves from the issues that the detached never have to experience? Could you really turn down the offer to never again be burdened with life’s psychological sufferings?

Recognize the fact that I am not referring to those that bark at the moon or pace endlessly on street corners screaming incoherently. Those are issues that plague one physically as well as mentally and make everyday living impossible. They often deteriorate relationships past the point of salvageability. That isn’t a life so much as it is a series of noises and pain.

The crazies I’m talking about work with you and sit next to you on the subway. They aren’t laden with human feces, they’re in accounting which, in fairness, isn’t terribly different. You’d never know it unless you got close and found out just what Ted thinks they’re putting in the drinking water or what the vulpines are really up to. To be clear, Ted is nutty as a fruitcake but he lives a life a lot like yours. He just doesn’t suffer from the same worries and problems that you do. The thing is, Ted may look normal and he can get along at work or in the seminary just fine but he’s mentally far more out to lunch than the aforementioned street corner crier. That guy can be set straight with a few pills and some mild voltage. All he has is a chemical imbalance. Ted, on the other hand, has screws loose that won’t ever be tightened. His thought process is intrinsically different and he will never be convinced that the government isn’t run by Satanic cannibals.

But be honest now, you don’t really believe everything the government tells you. Deep down, you know they’re up to some wild shit. Every now and then some of it leaks and we find out about an MK-Ultra or a Tuskegee Syphilis Study. So could Ted be on to something, even a little?

Crazy talk, I know. It’s probably best to stick to what we have known and accepted for generations now. That continuity breeds truth and that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. We know what we believe and it isn’t that wacky stuff we read online. Just remember that God wants you to cut off a part of your baby’s dick and has a vested interest in whether or not he kisses another boy when he grows up.

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