A Permanent Solution to the Conflict in the Holy Land
The Holy Land is simultaneously a geographically irrelevant area devoid of any abundance of natural resources or key strategic locations and the birthplace of three of the world’s most influential religions. This tiny region has been and continues to be a void into which we feed an unending supply of money, time, effort, energy, and good will that, in turn, belches forth suffering and death in wildly disproportionate measure. Despite the untold resources devoted to this desolate place, the return on the world’s collective investment always somehow dwarfs the input.
A solution is required. One might even say a final solution is both necessary and inevitable.
To begin with, the area need be cleansed of its populace. No solution can be enacted while the inhabitants of this land remain. Suffering and death have shown to be ineffective in depopulating the region. In many cases, the ebbing of conflict has been shown to be a deterrent to inflows of new citizens. Rising tensions acting as a lightning rod to attract hardliners from across the globe to “retake the holy land!” once more in the ongoing, multi-century game of king of the hill that has gripped the area since long before the invention of indoor plumbing. Violence is therefore counterproductive in the pursuit of a holy land devoid of its holy people.
What must therefore take the place of violence is the wholesale adoption of disgust as a sanction. Making the area uninhabitable by its current inhabitants by imposing upon them conditions they find unacceptable. Abject poverty and the absence of the aforementioned indoor plumbing have again been ineffective. The appeal must therefore be made to the disposition of the people of this land. To the very heart of their beliefs and values.
We must airdrop hundreds of thousands of tons of hardcore gay pornography over the holy land and the city of Jerusalem in particular. Blanketing the area in material that overpowers the fanatical devotion to remaining steadfast no matter how much blood has been spilled.
Several sustained months of this particular type of leaflet campaign will see the region scoured of its native populace. This is when phase two of the plan can be implemented. Prior to this, phase 1.5 will see several groups of specialized teams armed with leaf blowers clearing the city of the aerial barrage. It can be safely stored in the sea where it will soon join the garbage isle of the Pacific Ocean.
Phase two consists of detonating a small, tactical nuclear device on the outskirts of Jerusalem itself. Far enough away that it will have no direct impact on the multitude of historical buildings and holy sites but close enough to ensure that it remains irredeemably irradiated for the next thousand years. Thus creating a near permanent “no trespassing” zone using hair loss and uncontrollable tumor growth as a deterrent. It is theorized that this timeframe will suffice for negotiations to be established between the various factions in question.
The inability for peace-loving zealots to access their preferred battleground to kill one another in droves will no doubt be met with uncertainty as to its functionality over the long term. This is where we enter phase three. A 24 hour, seven day a week livestream of every conceivable angle of Jerusalem from stationary, satellite, and drone-mounted cameras fed directly to twitch.tv/ItsJerusalemYo. This will allow any adherent to bask in the views of the city as they have always desired it: wiped clean of the scum of their enemies. The ongoing need for blood sweetened by the aroma of endless human suffering will be more difficult to quench, although various virtual reality options exist to cater to that particular market. Meta has been hard at work creating something for an occasion very much like this one.
Note that Twitch partnership can be vague in its rules and requirements. This undertaking can become a positive revenue source (a historical first for the region) by opening the streaming rights to competition from other platforms such as YouTube or FaceBook.
Like tending to mewling children screaming incoherently at their sibling over possession of a meaningless item, we as an international community operating in unison for the very first time in human history can enact the if you won’t share, neither of you can have it strategy. This will allow a permanent cessation of hostilities as it satisfies the only ongoing requirement for all those jockeying for spiritual hegemony over the area.
Skepticism over the potency of this plan will again rear its head when faced with the notion that people may attempt to return despite the hazards to one’s health and well being. As these things have been cause for neither alarm nor pause when the possibility of ending the lives of every man, woman, and child that exists on the other side of the border (imagined and tangible) remains. The very analysis of this concern renders it invalidated as, simply put, there would be no reason to return to where there is no one left to kill.
Thus a peaceful, long term solution to the turmoil over the holy land can be had for an investment which pales in comparison to the costs incurred thus far, both human and otherwise. Although, this plan does involve a drastic reduction in income for faction leaders and weapon manufacturers alike which may result in its ineligibility on purely economic grounds.
No final solution is without its kinks.
